a micro canadian

Labour and Delivery

One thing I learned about online birth clubs is they make you paranoid. Paranoid and possibly more prone to overreactions. A few weeks ago, a birth announcements thread got stickied to the top of the thread list. This thread is full of sadness. Viability is approaching soon, but not just yet, so imagine a reminder each time you visit the page of unfortunate early “births”, or late miscarriages.

This morning I woke up feeling like something was off. The past couple days, I hadn’t been feeling her move quite as much. I always feel her when I’m in the bath, and there was nothing. I got out my doppler and had trouble finding the heartbeat. As the day progressed, I still felt off, and then developed some cramping. I thought about it, and remembered the past day was full of lightheadedness. So naturally I freaked out and ended up needing to get checked out for peace of mind.

Of course, everything was fine. Her heartbeat was strong and the ultrasound showed she must have been having either a nap, or just a small movements day. I had a cervical exam, which let me just say was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, erm, ladybit wise, and that was all good. My blood pressure, on the other hand, was higher than it usually is. It’s been a really stressful week at work, so I’m blaming it all on the stress.

I’m sure learning this morning that my midwife would no longer be caring for me set things off as well. She had her contract end due to financial reasons at the birthing center, which in itself stresses me out insanely. The thought of not being able to deliver there, ugh, I can’t begin to think about that. It’s the only place in SF where I can have a waterbirth outside of my home. I tried calling the center multiple times today, but it seems they aren’t open on Fridays. Hopefully it all works out, but not having the ability to reach anyone, in the case of an emergency, eesh.

In the end everything worked out thanks to Laura and the kind folks at UCSF. Hopefully it won’t happen again.

The Pregnancy Blahs

Judging by the name of this post, you should already be able to tell it’s one on a less positive note. I really just want to document my current struggles (I’m using that word lightly), and maybe some mommas or folks out there have some words of wisdom.

I’m in my 23rd week of pregnant. It’s been pretty smooth sailing up to this point, thankfully. Only in the past couple weeks have things started to get real. Physically, I feel her moving around a lot now! I love it so much. Makes her feel real, though it also brings on feelings of anxiousness. I should be preparing more for her arrival, getting baby gear and the like, but I can’t till after mid-October (birth cost due mid-month so I’m saving for that). I spend a lot of time just reading everything I possibly can about birth and babies. Laboring, caring for newborns, breastfeeding, diapering, etc. It just feels like I’m not doing enough, and I’m just not feeling satisfied.

Beyond that, I’m just bored. It feels like there’s something missing in my life. Really, I’m missing a whole lot! I miss my personal relationships. Friendships just aren’t the same anymore, which was to be expected. When going out with friends usually involves bar nights, it’s hard adjusting. Not to mention I’m just too tired to stay out past 9pm ever. It’s my own fault so I’ve just accepted it. It’s much harder to click with people when you’re carrying a child and no one else did. See above paragraph, heh. It’s just a reality of the situation, and yes, I should go to prenatal yoga or whatever and meet some moms-to-be but that’s not my thing. Where do I find moms outside of fucking Yoga classes?!

My work life, my career, the former love of my life is leaving me bored as well. While I used to be excited Monday mornings, now? It feels like a chore. Not helping this, of course, is my new friend upper back pain, in addition to the inability to sleep at night, my need for napping, and goddamn keeping the hormones under control. The last thing I want to be is a cliche pregnant lady. I’d love to remain in control and not prone to outburst, especially professionally, but it is becoming harder and harder. My fuse is so short and my ability to communicate isn’t what it was. It’s really annoying! I burst out crying, thankfully while working from home, out of complete frustration this afternoon. I just lost control.

I know things are supposed to be hard. I was ready for this, and I don’t regret it at all. I just don’t feel like myself right now, and I wish I could figure out how to get back on track and lose this I’m missing or need something feeling.

The Other Half of Saturday

If you’re a regular reader (haha), then you probably read my blog post from the other day. It was mostly about this past Saturday. What I left out about this past Saturday was the embarrassment I felt that day. I feel it needs to be documented in all its stupidity. I apologize in advance if anyone is sensitive to things of a sexual nature.

Saturday morning I woke up and rushed into the shower to get ready for my first pregnancy related class. I was excited and didn’t want to be late, but I also didn’t want to wake up, so naturally I was a tiny bit short on time. I think it took all of 30 minutes to shower, apply makeup and get to the birthing center. The class was four hours long. Flash to the end of those four hours. I thought I’d use the restroom prior to leaving the center. I looked down for no reason at all. There, at the bottom of my new maternity jeans, was something hanging out. What the what?! I reached down and pull out a pair of my underwear from the day before. I had apparently not noticed they were in my pants still during my race to leave the apartment. I have no idea how long they were there nor if anyone noticed, and I really tried not to think about it. I just thought, I’m already a single mom mess!

My day continued with an epic walk and a stop at Dolores Park for my lady’s birthday. The whole time I kept thinking, “Okay, you have to get home before 5pm. You have to move and hide your vibrator before the painfully thorough cleaners get there”. Oh yeah, we’re going there. Look, I’m in my second trimester and I’m a single lady. Things (read: hormones) get real. Real and intense. Anyway. I got home about 7 minutes after the cleaning people got there. The lady was in the area. My secret special area! So close to it! I sat down with a jacket on my lap, maybe 2 feet from her and reached for it. Naturally it turned on. I tried to turn it off, but once again, as things go, I turned the switch in the wrong direction making it louder, stronger, faster before finally getting it turned off. She probably didn’t even notice, but I’m sure I was a lovely shade of red.

By the end of the day, I just had to look at myself and say really? This is your life? Oh dear. It was definitely one for the books.. or blogs?

Classes and Kicking

I had my first in what I’m sure will be a long series of classes over the course of this pregnancy. This morning was a Healthy Pregnancy class. I should preface all of this by saying I’m currently sitting in bed with a piece of banana cream pie at my side. I’m a quick learner. What I did, in fact, learn is that pairing a protein with sugar will help curb its blood sugar journey. So while my blood sugar may elevate, it won’t elevate quite so high, which is a risk for causing gestational diabetes. I got a bit scared as I love me some sugah, and the teacher said they won’t let you give birth at the center if you have gestational diabetes, so this is something I must avoid at all costs. All costs minus that of banana cream pie. The class was pretty valuable for the most part. Afterwards, I ended up at Rainbow buying flaxseeds, sunflower seeds and flax chips. After walking about 3.5 miles around the Mission and back home.

Beyond the class, it was my first time having the opportunity to meet pregnant ladies in my range, though I was the furthest away. I keep seeing pregnant women, or new moms with tiny babies and I want to talk to them! It feels so awkward though. I can’t bring myself to do more than just smile at them. Do ladies normally do that? I think about how I’d feel, and I’d love it! Maybe. Depending on the day. I need to find some local groups to join. The ones I’ve found so far are full of women from the east bay, etc.

Another notable thing of today was actually feeling the baby kick for the first time. I’ve felt the fluttery feelings a few times, but tonight was actually kicking. I was laying in the bath, the bath full of lavender sea salt I’d just bought, and baby just started up. Kick, kick, kick. It was weird! I have no idea what I expected, but all I can visualize is like, flicking a jello mold. That’s what it feels like but backwards? Does that make sense?! Haha. I hope this means I’ll be able to feel baby more often. I say this now, but I’m sure a month from now I’ll be complaining about not being able to sleep due to it.

All in all, it’s been quite an excellent day in baby land.

Almost Halfway There!

There are days when I wonder just how I’ll make it through the rest of this pregnancy. A couple days ago things started getting tight. Really tight. In my pants. I’ve been sporting the bella band for the past little while, and let me tell you, it is miraculous, but the past couple days it’s felt too tight to wear. I think it might be time that I put away my cute stretchy unbuttoned hipster pants and head over to the big girl maternity section of pants. I’m scared! Hold me! They all look (and by they all, I’m really only talking about Old Navy) so gigantic or are $100+. Where do the hip cheap mommas shop? I’m still a single gal! I want to maintain some style while looking hilariously rotund. And to talk on that for a second, I’ve gained 8lbs since I started this whole ordeal, bringing my total up to 113lbs. The best part of that is that it’s only been in my belly and boobs. I feel like some kind of homemade kids doll, rectangular box body with pipecleaner arms! I really wish SF were warmer in the summer so I could actually wear cute dresses everyday. The thought of not having a waistband fills me with joy. This is what my life has come to!

In all seriousness, time is blowing by. I’ll be 18 weeks on Friday. Already. I’m just about halfway through. What the what?! I feel so unprepared. I mean, I don’t even own elastic waist pants! I’ve got my first pregnancy related class on Saturday for 4 hours. That’s a start. I feel like I should be buying things in preparation for the baby. It’s so hard to hold off and wait until the baby shower. It’s not till the end of September! Only 3 months to finalize everything?! Ahhh!! Stress and anxiety! I don’t know how these things work, but if anyone is curious, here’s my baby registry. People keep asking, so I finally got it mostly finished. It still needs clothes and blankets, but I’m waiting on those.

And finally… NEW PHOTOS OF MY BELLLYYYY!! Look at how big this thing is getting!